Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Black Friday

I am totally aware of how long I have neglected this blog, but I was inspired to share one of my recent experiences IRL that I believe needs sharing. I went to lunch with a colleague yesterday and, during the course of our meal, we (of course) discussed our Thanksgivings. Mine was quite nice, actually, but it was the day after that proved interesting.

Black Friday: I'm no maniac for those crazy shopping hours. I like my sleep. But my in-laws have created a nice tradition of getting up and out by 9 in the morning on Friday to do some shopping, but also to people-watch those of you who chose to get out there at midnight. You are a sight to behold, for better or worse. I'm getting to the point, I promise...

We hit Bed, Bath, and Beyond, then started on to Kohl's. While standing amongst the shoppers, I was struck with the onset of a migraine. When I mentioned this to my lunch date, she immediately responded with "oooooh... shopping and migraines DON'T mix". I appreciated the sentiment and the sympathy but, as is traditional, it is not the response of someone who has actually experienced a migraine. So I'm here to tell you what its really like.

I will first disclaim this by stating that this is MY experience; migraines tend to have some similarities, but do not manifest themselves in the same way for everyone. This is simply my experience, out on the table. I will also state that this is not intended to shame anyone, merely educate those who may know or care about someone who is prone to migraines.

Back to the story: I'm in the middle of Kohl's, with people bustling to make their purchases. All of a sudden, these people, the store, and even walking were overwhelming to me. I had to stop immediately and locate my husband, because the ball was already rolling. I closed my eyes to attempt to regain some control, only to open my eyes without the ability to see clearly. It was if the world was bending and curving around me. I felt light-headed, and my hands felt like the were no longer connected to my body. This is a dead giveaway for me that I am not paranoid, but am indeed getting a migraine. My husband immediately took my hand and walked me, eyes closed, out to the car to wait for the rest of our family. My vision becomes frustrating during the migraine's onset, because I get "blind spots" in an otherwise normal line of vision. I sat quietly in the car with my eyes closed, attempting to do some deep breathing. This is really hard to do while you're busy wondering if you're going to throw up, go numb, or your head is going to explode.

There is no describing the pain of a migraine... it feels like a pressure you should be easily able to be rid of, like a brain freeze, but worse. There have been times where I have considered the feasibility of slamming my head into a wall to get relief for my head. Never tried. Too chicken. And pretty certain it wouldn't work. But the idea comes back nonetheless.

So, at this point, we are on the way back to my in-laws' house. My father in law wonders aloud if I need to eat something. Maybe. So I get something and try to eat it. Before I even get the food within six inches of my mouth, I know this is not going to help. It will only lead to more vomiting in a few minutes. So I don't eat or drink anything. I don't move. I don't even swallow that often. These are mechanisms I have learned to minimize my physical discomfort as best I can. I even cover my head with my husband's jacket so the sun doesn't shine into my eyes, which magnifies the pain in my head.

We get to my in-laws' and I dash from the car into the house and straight to the bathroom, where I proceed to loudly, and with reckless abandon, dry heave and then vomit. It is disgusting. That's because I didn't eat that morning, so all I've got to give is what's in my stomach: bile. I know this is gross, but this is real. You literally throw up (and other bodily functions) until there's nothing left in your body. Swallowing or sipping water results in another round. I am backed into a corner. So I do the only thing left: sleep.

But its not that easy... if I lay too flat, the feeling of nausea takes over; sleep on your side causes the migraine to move to the side on which you're laying. More excruciating pain. This migraine found me trying to nap on four pillows stacked on top of each other. This stage of the migraine is when I find myself contemplating how long I can wait before I don't make it to the bathroom. Now the waiting begins...

How long my migraine knocks me out is truly unpredictable. Did I get to my migraine medicine fast enough? Have I calmed myself into a place where my body can recover? Was it bad enough that I just went to Urgent Care and get a medical intervention (aka shot)?

The migraine doesn't end with the end of the pain: there is the constant worry about when the next one will strike. Even as I write this, I am checking the headache I have to see if it moves with my movements; if my vision is spotty because I looked at the sun or if blind spots are showing up; if my foot is falling asleep or if the left side of my body is going numb. This is the real trick of the migraine. Even when it goes away, you're still left feeling vulnerable. There so many factors, real or hypothesized, that contribute to the development of a migraine; the question "did I bring this on myself?" is a constant. Even writing about the migraine gives me the exact same feelings of anxiety and unease that come with the actual condition.

I am certain most migraine sufferers can probably top this recount. I don't share it to seek pity; I hope those who don't understand migraines may have a little bit more insight. I hope it will give you pause for a moment before talking about your pounding headache as a "migraine". I hope this helps someone else know they're not alone or crazy when they get these headaches no one else seems to understand. I hope this offers some comfort for someone caring for a loved one with a migraine. My husband, admittedly, didn't understand my migraines; he learned to cope with a silent house, to come QUICK when I call for him, and to help me make a decision about when to see medical assistance. However, when I experienced a migraine for the first time this fall, he looked at me and said "Now I understand why you act like you do with these". I don't wish a migraine on my worst enemy, and I hate that it took getting a migraine for my hubs to understand, but THAT is what it takes.